That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
