There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
