The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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