I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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