Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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