she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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