There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
