hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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