she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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