went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
