i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
