I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
