then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
