He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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