I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
