five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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