I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
