every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
