fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
