Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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