the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
