I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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