You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Randomize
