i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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