if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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