Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
