Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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