Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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