we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
