remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
