If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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