just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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