getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
