lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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