i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
