Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
