tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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