My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
