Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
