super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
