I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
