I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
