Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
