I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
