Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
