the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
