i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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