i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
