He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
