if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
