you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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