My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
