Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
